“Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is characterized by persistent deficits in the ability to initiate and to sustain reciprocal social interaction and social communication…”
There are times I seem unfriendly. Several people have told me I should smile more. But, I am often too distracted that my face looks like a robot or droid that is currently receiving a data dump or a software update. I am also very rarely the person to initiate contact.
If given the choice, I would remove all human interaction from my life. I am fortunate to have a significant other that is curious enough about other people that she can get past her Autism and initiate a conversation. Awkward or not, she has the ability to talk to strangers. She is also a magnet for strangers to approach her and talk to her about everything.
I, on the other hand, had difficulty reaching out to life long friends. I often blame it on not wanting to bother anyone. If I receive a correspondence, I have to deal with it immediately. This often leads to a full disruption in everything I had planned or whatever I was currently doing.
So, I feel that my reaching out to someone causes them the same disruptive chaos and I don’t want to do that. Finding out that I am Autistic with ADHD changed my perspective a little bit. Knowing I am an anomaly helps me realize that I am not sticking a stick in the spokes of the person’s bicycle. Reaching out is still very, very difficult, but it is less physically painful.
ASD & Communication
A lot of the issue is that the language and cadence I used goes misunderstood by most humans. I will have a great idea. I’ll do the simulation of how that idea will play out. I’ll take forever to muster up the courage and strength to speak to someone. And it will be met like a housefly trying to nom on some mac and cheese. Then I get desperate and over excited and I sound very aggressive. I know I sound aggressive and I feel ashamed of that. But my excitement goes through the voice box and comes out garbled sounding like anger. It’s horrible. But, in the whole process, the brilliant idea then slips away into a void of untapped potential.
So, most of the time, I regress into my own brain and day dream about a world where all my amazing ideas are put into action and how awesome that world is.
