Words & stream of conscious is a difficult thing for me. As soon as I write the first sentence, my brain makes everything want to connect. It begins assessing each word and starts to alter the thoughts in my head.
I try to wait until I can squish the mental clay around a bit before I start writing it down so I can get a more pure form of the thought into words. The problem with that is my memory has difficulty holding on to the now bulkier load. Additionally, as more of the thought takes shape, I begin comparing it to the gut feeling provided by the initial epiphany.
So, the word sculpture that I eventually provide is a far cry different from the initial though that compelled me to begin writing anything down in the first place. It’s more bland. And it’s less spiky. The words are toned down and I feel robbed of the chance to get someone as excited about the thought as I was.
What’s even worse is when I begin to talk and someone feels like they are locked in step with me. Then they do a verbal check in and repeat something back, or attempt to finish my sentence for me, and it is revealed that they are not on the same path. And in most cases, not even on the same mental continent as me.
Refocusing the Words
At that point, I try to rewind to the point where they veered off the path. But, this causes the entire thought process to come unwound and unconnected. I feel the weight of each word becoming a burden and an enemy to the original thought. Each syllable begins to erode from the pure energy that the thought produced. Each word betrays the idea in ways I could never imagine.
The words never seem to fit perfectly. “Good enough” explanations are offered and settling occurs. Each time I settle, I felt the death of dream that would never be realized. Mentally, I forget it and move on, b deep down my body, my DNA, my being, holds on to that sad feeling or loss.
