Eventually, Paranoia Pays Off

The old saying goes that it is who you know and not what you know. I never understood this. I was taught that capitalism was great. In high school when we finally upgraded from Apple ][e to an Apple III with a color monitor, I played the Lemonade Stand Game. I played the game with a sense of paranoia.

I knew that if I over-extended myself and tried to make a big gamble, there’d be a storm and I wouldn’t sell any lemonade and lose all my cash. When it was hot and dry, I made good money, but I didn’t maximize my profit. I somehow felt that continuing to provide my customers, my employees, and my suppliers the right way, my business would grow.

I should have learned from that game that capitalism don’t give a fuck. If I bought lemons and there was a storm, the lemon seller was still like, “Fuck you, pay me!”. The sign maker was, “Fuck you pay me!”. And the sugar guy would send his associate to my house to say, “Fuck you, pay me.”

And despite providing a great price on a tasty beverage, the customers didn’t care, because the kid down the street undercut me by a penny.

My professional life was similar. I was always paranoid that I would be fired at any minute for not performing well. That’s part of ADHD called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. I would keep getting high marks on my evals (that I didn’t feel I deserved). I kept getting promotions (that I felt I was not qualified for). And I kept being asked for my expert opinion (that I just thought was a logical thing everyone saw).

Paranoia & the Art of Getting Let Go

I was never fired for not being good enough. I was just fired because… capitalism.

One company invested profits in during the dot com bubble, and when the bubble busted, so did our company. And, when I was let go, I thought, “man, if I was good enough, they would have kept me”, despite knowing full well that the policy was “last one in, first one out”.

One company let me go after a tragic merger. Still confused about that one. After 18 years of working my way from the bottom to somewhere near the upper lower middle bottom of the top, they just called and said, “Yeah, you don’t need to come in today… or… like… ever.”

In my brain, I jumped up and down and said, “I told me… I told me all along, you weren’t good at your job.” This screaming inside my head went on despite glowing letters of recommendation and many people assisting me in finding a new job.

And good gracious, the job hunt helped support that voice in my head. Applying for jobs I was qualified, under-qualified, overqualified and even perfect matches for… it dragged on and on. When I finally got hired, the new boss looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll never be able to pay you what you’re worth.”

The big problem is, I had no idea what I was worth. I couldn’t see it, and couldn’t focus on trying to see it because the voice was screaming and distracting me. In my latest position, I continue to work more than I am required to, harder than is asked of me, and to try to improve in every area because I’ll always be paranoid of not being good enough. Despite having a large group of people reach out to support me during a job hunt, I still visualize my social network as me and my significant other.